If the girl you’re dating wants you to text her more, what should you do and how do you best handle this situation to maintain attraction?
First, let’s take a look at an email from a reader who is going through this exact same problem. My response can be seen below in bold.
Note: all names and personal information have been changed for privacy reasons.
Subject: My girlfriend always wants me to text her
Hi Chris, I have a problem with my texting game. My girlfriend has complained to me 4 times now about not text her back soon enough or just texting her to let her know where I am or what I am doing. To be honest by applying the no contact rule I got her to fall in love with me and yes she tells me she loves me and she cant imagine her life without me.
You said it yourself, when you applied the no contact rule you got her to fall in love with you. This tells me that she is just like every other woman. There are no exceptions. She might think she wants you to text her more, but the more you text her, the more she will lose attraction for you. This is a trap I have seen many men fall into.
Even last week she gave me attitude for not responding to her text, after only 2 hours, and letting her know what I was doing even thou I was at work.
She has an expectation that needs to be broken and recalibrated. For your sake and for hers. Yes, if she is dated low value, beta men in the past, then there is no doubt that they would have been over-texting and being way too responsive simply because beta men have lots of time (because women are their life purpose).
However, these men are in her past, so I guess whatever they were doing didn’t work out too well for them. You are the one she is with and the one she is attracted to, don’t forget that.
When we are together everything is so much fun and great but I have a lot of trouble in the texting area. Should I initate contact by saying good morning?
No, this would be a mistake!
She’s from Colombia and tells me the men there always text and are much nicer through chat. I’m very confused with what she wants. Please help.
It’s one of those situations (which I’ve seen many times before), where a man listens to what the woman says and gives her what she says she wants by texting more—then she punishes him for it.
She’s seeing if she can get you to change and you should see her behavior as a test. You have to remember, women don’t know what’s best for themselves and what they will respond to.
She might think she wants you to text more, but the moment you do, she pulls away from you. That’s because her attraction triggers will turn off as soon as you start to become more responsive and available.
Don’t listen to her words, follow her actions instead. Is she attracted to you? Yes she is. If you start being too responsive and texting her like she asks you to, you are giving her what she wants not what she needs. This is a huge mistake.
She might not like it, and she might put up resistance if you continue to allow her to initiate most of the texting. But it has to be this way for attraction to be maintained. You need the elements of space, mystery, challenge, and anxiety to maintain attraction in a relationship over a long period of time.
Whenever she says that she wants you to text her, tell her that you are a busy man and she can get in touch whenever she wants to and you will get back to her whenever you are available.
Texting Kills Attraction
As a man, you must put your focus onto your work and your mission in life. Ambition is what attracts women, not someone who is relationship focused.
Allow your girlfriend to be relationship focused and worry about the texting. The good news is: if she’s worried about this it means she’s feeling slightly anxious and she’s thinking about you.
They have done studies and found that women find men more attractive when they are uncertain about the man’s feelings.
They have also done other important studies in countries (including the US, Canada, UK, Germany, Israel and China) and they found that responsive men––being men who text too much, initiate text messages, talk on the phone too much––are less attractive men in all of these countries without exception.
All women, regardless of culture, ethnicity and background, find responsive men less attractive.
Responsive Men Are Less Attractive
Remember, highly responsive men believe that the more they talk to a woman on the phone or via text messages, the more they will get the woman to commit to them and fall in love with them––this is an illusion and built on nothing more than the illusion of action.
These same responsive men believe that their constant communication will make the woman feel more secure and likely to stay in the relationship with them.
In reality, all these men end up doing is creating the perception that they are desperate and needy and will give into the woman’s demands.
Then, slowly, over time, the woman loses attraction. The same thing will happen to you if you give in to her demands to text her more.
Even if she says, “All I’m asking for is a good morning message, is that too difficult?”
You must respond with: “I’m not going to send you a message because you have an expectation or because you asked me to send you a message. I’ll send you a message when I feel like it. End of story.”
This might sound harsh, but it’s for your own good. I would hate to see you end up like so many other men who fail to heed this advice.
Men who listen to their girlfriends and start sending those good morning/good night text messages––only to see their girlfriends lose attraction for them and pull away.
She Will Test You
A won’t break up with you if you reduce the amount of texting/calling you do, she is only testing you.
It’s a change to her because it’s new behavior. You went from being very responsive to being less responsive, this is going to have an impact and it’s going to take a couple days to get used to the new situation for her.
She is, however, going to test you to make sure that this new change is real and you’re not just playing games.
Your girlfriend no doubt has ex boyfriends who made this same mistake. They blew up her phone, they chased her, they sent a lot of messages, then she lost interest in them.
There is no rush to reach out to your girlfriend and respond. She is definitely testing you. She is trying to see if she can change your behavior and if she can emotionally unsettle you.
Although there is no need to be a cold fish here. I would simply tell her something like:
“We have a great time when we’re together, that’s all that matters to me, our face-to-face time and the time I spend with you when I’m with you is more important than texting and calling. Just because I’m busy and we don’t always talk over the phone, it doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about you and you can reach out to me anytime you like.”
That’s it, there is no need for any other explanation. She won’t go anywhere if you hold strong.
Once your girlfriend gets used to the new situation, she will accept it, she might kick up a stink occasionally, but her attraction for you will remain high when she sees you.
She Needs to Miss You
I get that in certain cultures (like South America) guys are really emotional and expressive, but it still turns off to women. You can’t maintain attraction without bringing space, mystery, and challenging into the relationship.
If you felt that you were doing too much texting before and being too responsive and she pulled away, then you definitely want to slow down on the text messages.
More important than you texting her is allowing her to text you and chase you. If a woman is going to respect you and have high attraction for you, she must chase you.
Although you can’t be completely withdrawn and distant all the time because it will create too much anxiety and she will shut down and start to feel that you do not care about her.
In the same way, you cannot be too nice and available all the time otherwise she will get bored and tired of being around you. So you need to keep the balance, that’s why it’s much easier to mirror her emotions.
However, it’s always better to lean towards being more absent and distant in the relationship as opposed to being too nice and available.
You must give her affection and intimacy and fun times, but you need to balance this out when you’re away from with distance, space and time to think about you and miss you.