If your girlfriend’s not affectionate towards you and you miss intimacy and connection, then this article will show you what to do to rebuild affection and get that “loving touch” back into your life.
There often comes a time in a relationship where you realize that your girlfriend is no longer affectionate. She used to be, but now she no longer expresses love and tenderness. This might happen at any point and at any time in the relationship. That’s why it’s important to know how to handle this situation the right way.
Girlfriend Not Affectionate Anymore
The following is based on real incidents (names have been changed):
Toby had been dating Jill for a couple of months. When they met, they felt fireworks and a real pull of attraction, which led to a blossoming romance. With each passing week, they remained excited to see each other and grew increasingly attracted to each other…
After three months passed, Toby began to notice that Jill seemed a little off. He started to feel insecure and anxious as he tried to figure out what was going on. She was no longer the same loving, affectionate woman he used to know.
More and more, Jill’s affection faded and she seemed to avoid all physical contact when they were together.
We have all been in this situation at some point in time. It is a horrible and helpless feeling.
Now, you have to be careful. What often ensues is such a feeling of loss that it leads to desperation. This is a state where you lose all self-control. Autopilot might kick in and navigate you down the wrong path. Be careful you don’t send a message and then regret it later on. You are not alone in this! What you are experiencing is not unusual behavior, but it isn’t the right way to approach this situation if you want to maintain your girlfriend’s affection.
Something is causing this change in her. There’s a reason why she’s less affectionate. But the results are clear: your girlfriend is no longer her sweet self, showing love, and physically touching you. You’ve noticed this change and you don’t like it. So what to do?
Sings of Loss of Affection
First, let’s be sure here that you are indeed identifying the relevant signs of a loss of affection, and that this isn’t based on a one-off experience. You’re looking for a pattern here, which includes some or all of these signs:
- She’s suddenly difficult to talk to.
- She takes her time responding to messages.
- She doesn’t respond to your messages at all.
- She doesn’t answer your phone calls.
- She doesn’t seem interested in anything you say.
- She doesn’t laugh at your jokes anymore.
- She doesn’t seem happy when she’s around you.
- She’s often distracted and not paying attention to you.
- She doesn’t want to spend as much time with you.
- She doesn’t touch you or want to have sex with you.
- Nothing you do or say makes her happy.
- The relationship feels like you’re doing all the work.
So Why Do Women Become Unaffectionate?
You have to consider a number of possibilities here. Women can become quite defensive with their feelings if they feel too invested and are unsure of their security. With that, they might withdraw to prevent themselves getting hurt again. This may be a reaction to something that has happened between you. This can come down to a simple misunderstanding or a one-off condition.
Your girlfriend could be going through a particularly busy and stressful time at work or with family. Both of these situations might take priority and as a result, you suffer. This can also be seen as a test which you must pass in seeing how you deal with the situation. The right man, in her eyes, will not give up and run away or crack under pressure.
Another possibility is that your girlfriend is losing affection for you because you are smothering her. If she makes advances and you reciprocate all too quickly and easily, by the second month or so, the challenge has gone. At the beginning of a relationship, you have the novelty of affection. Once you have gorged yourself on love and affection, however, the relationship gets more playful and challenging as the woman starts to test you.
If your girlfriend comes to the point where you are omnipresent and always there to smother her with love and affection, the excitement is soon gone. Your VALUE reduces and you fade. The relationship is no longer “special.” The intrigue is gone and the affection starts to dissipate.
When She’s Testing You
The other possibility is that your girlfriend is testing you. This isn’t always a conscious decision on her part but part of the natural course in determining your suitability as a long-term prospect. It is a judgement to see if you are fit to be a family member. This stems from evolution and a woman’s biological need to reproduce with the strongest DNA possible.
Toby was in panic mode. Why was his girlfriend no longer affectionate? He tried to organize a special night out for Jill but he found that she didn’t respond to his messages. This perplexed him so he began phoning her first thing in the morning but no response. He began to wonder if Jill had been in an accident and was bed ridden in a hospital somewhere. Weeks went by and not having had sex with Jill for so long was imprinted in his memory.
The reality was that Jill had already started testing Toby. And so far, Toby was failing her test. The last thing she wanted was to be hounded and confronted first thing each morning with demands and a slew of messages. Toby’s value had plummeted and his insecurities exposed. He was no longer a handsome prospect.
Like Jill, your girlfriend’s losing attraction for you and it won’t be long before your girlfriend starts acting completely cold and withdrawn… and from there it’s almost a guarantee that she’ll break up with you unless you make the right move to increase her attraction for you again.
Here begins the slippery slope. When your girlfriend is not affectionate, she most likely knows deep down that this is potentially the beginning of the end. This will lead to her dumping you, particularly if you continue to fail her tests.
Watch Out For Disrespectful Behavior
During this negative period, her attitude will markedly change to become bitchy and increasingly disrespectful towards you. You will see the signs with her lack of response and not agreeing to see you as much, if at all. You no doubt will be counting the days since you last had sex. Any further chasing will result in your downfall.
The final stage of bitchiness is a tough one to endure. Even the most alpha of men can buckle at this phase and fail her test. This psychological attack on the emotions is raw, unexpected and a real curve ball to know how to deal with.
Her test could be about something physical that she knows you are sensitive about. It could be an attack on your personality. Basically, anything which gets a rise out of you in such a way that your confidence and security are tested.
Toby finally lost out when he pushed just a little too far. He turned up at Jill’s apartment door one night, a little drunk and in bad shape. When Jill responded to the incessant banging on her door, she was immediately angry at Toby. She felt circumvented and stalked so she lashed out before he could say anything.
Out came the boxing gloves and Jill launched with a full frontal attack on Toby’s pride. She told him that his time down at the gym was wasted and he hadn’t gained anything. She said how she was getting flirtatious looks from other, more masculine men anyway.
With that, Toby fell apart sobbing and was caught by silence. He looked up at Jill through tearful eyes and had nothing to say. Jill just growled at him so he began to plead. She couldn’t believe it.
In disbelief, Jill told him that she never wanted to see him ever again and slammed the door in Toby’s surprised face. From that point forward, Jill was cold and unaffectionate towards Toby.
How to Restore Affection In your Relationship
So what are you supposed to do in this situation if your girlfriend’s not affectionate?
How do you restore affection and rescue your relationship? How do you avoid being Toby?
The important lesson to learn in Toby’s case is to not let the circumstances reach this point and get too serious. You must learn to recognize the signs and then act accordingly. This will take a lot of patience and self-restraint and faith in this system.
So, let’s take a step back. You need to read the signs from your girlfriend and realize that something is up. In this case, it’s obvious that your girlfriend is no longer affectionate.
How to make your girlfriend More Affectionate
Whatever the reason why your girlfriend’s not affectionate, the most important thing she wants to know is this: are you strong enough to handle her emotions or not?
So here goes. Your first choice weapon in your arsenal is to mirror her emotions. This is a simple dynamic of fighting fire with fire.
Mary and Easton were having a drink in a cafe. Easton asked Mary if she was feeling better as she had been sick and Easton wanted to make sure she was doing okay.
“I’m fine,” Mary said, sipping her drink.
“I said I’m fine,” Mary snapped back.
“I was just making sure you’re okay.”
“Well, don’t, it’s annoying.”
Fortunately, Easton had seen this kind of behavior before in a previous relationship. This time he was wise and prepared. He got up from the table and grinned. “See ya later then.” And with that, he walked off.
Easton knew there was nothing he could do or say to make Mary happy. He knew she would be rude and disrespectful for the rest of the day. He opted to mirror her emotions and withdraw from the situation. Actions, after all, speak louder than words.
As Easton walked out of the cafe, Mary got up and followed him.
“Where are you going?” she yelled.
“What are you upset for?”
“I’ve got better things to do,” Easton said as he crossed the street.
Later that night, Mary checked her phone… still no message from Easton. Unable to contain her anxiety any longer, Mary typed out a message and sent it to Easton: “Hey, what are you up to?”
Easton had it right. In mirroring Mary’s emotions and taking himself out of the situation, he had neutralized her power. This is best explained with the piece of string analogy.
When you connect with a woman, imagine there’s a string connecting the two of you together. Whilst the feelings of affection are new and alive, you both maintain interest and the string is taught and you feel the positive tension. It could be plucked like a guitar string.
However, when the string relaxes and goes slack, the positive tension dies and affection fades. With this lull, either you or the woman—ideally both—must pull away from each other to return that tension back to the string. Thus the positive sexual tension is restored and with it returns interest and affection.
When a woman pulls away or becomes emotionally distant, most men, in a desperate attempt to soothe their anxiety, try to close the distance, thus making the string go slack, killing all sexual tension and attraction in the process.
Instead, when a woman pulls away, you must mirror her behavior and be mindful of that string and pull away in response. This, once more, pulls the string tight, bringing sexual tension back into the relationship with force and vigor.
Now, let’s look at another mechanism you can employ to regain your girlfriend’s affection.
Increase Your Value to Increase Affection
Follow this simple and tangible example. Despite water’s obvious value for the survival of life, water is still considered a low-value commodity because its supply is abundant. Gold on the other hand, an element that does nothing to support life, is considered more valuable than water because its supply is limited.
Now re-arrange the components there and look from a woman’s perspective.
Tina is eying up two men. Both are attractive and of similar looks.
James is a happy artistic individual who likes doing his own thing and spends a lot of time on the digital hunt for a girlfriend. On seeing a match from Tina, he is immediately responsive.
Darren, by contrast, is a highly successful entrepreneur who has a lot going on. He too has a profile online and is matched with Tina. With work coming first, he doesn’t react to the matching right away.
After five days have past, Tina has been in contact with both James and Darren, but she already knows before meeting, which one is the likely winner.
Darren’s apparent worth or value, has climbed because of his availability compared to that of James. Specifically, Darren has been LESS RESPONSIVE than James. The crucial point though is that Darren did initiate contact with Tina, but it was casual and relaxed whilst remaining positive.
The problem for James was that his initial message to Tina was sent within minutes of the match being made. The message itself was a little too long, accommodating and verging on desperation.
Within those five days, Tina was inundated with messages and questions from James. She therefore chose to meet Darren first. Darren delayed the meeting for a couple of days but sure enough, won Tina’s affections.
Note here that Darren increased his value in two ways before he even met Tina. Firstly, he did not barrage her with messages and respond too quickly. Secondly, he delayed meeting Tina for a few days. This sense of limited availability gave Tina a sense of great value, that Darren must be some special commodity. Darren played “hard to get.” Like the gold, he was a scarce resource with limited access.
What James did wrong was to be too responsive and available. Subconsciously in Tina’s mind she reasoned there must be something wrong with James. Has he failed with so many other women that he is desperately reaching out for whoever else comes along?
So, in terms of winning your girlfriend’s affection, you can increase your value. Like Darren, you must become scarce. If your girlfriend pulls away, then do the same. You are effectively “pushing her away,” which is to your advantage.
If you seek affection, you must act as though affection is the last thing on your mind. By increasing your value in being scarce and non-responsive, you will find your girlfriend will change and start to chase you.
Get Her to Chase You and Want You
Getting a woman to chase you is a subtle process. Women are taught from an early age that it’s the man’s job to do the chasing. This is only really true at the beginning. Once you have your girlfriend, a switch is flicked and she becomes active. You must allow her to chase you.
Given a choice between freedom and commitment, you must always choose freedom. An attractive man is a man with options. Then, when your girlfriend chases you, she can only draw one conclusion: you must be high-value otherwise she wouldn’t be chasing you.
So what else can you do to get her to chase you? The 80/20 rule is a powerful concept that governs many areas of life, not just relationships.
For example, 80 percent of a company’s profit often comes from 20 percent of its customers; 80 percent of the world’s population lives in approximately 20 percent of the world’s land mass; 80 percent of the world’s wealth is owned by approximately 20 percent of the world’s population.
The 80/20 rule, when applied to male/female relationships, states that a man should reach out to a woman 20 percent of the time, and a woman should reach out to the man 80 percent of the time. Here, the 80/20 rule ensures the woman chases the man, and it also ensures there’s enough space and distance between the woman and the man for attraction to flourish.
It’s a hard lesson which requires restraint, but follow these rules regarding value and availability with mirroring your girlfriend’s emotions.
If you’re too available, women can’t help but see you as low value and less attractive. If you get a woman to chase you, she’s going to value you; and if she values you, she can’t help but be affectionate towards you.