If your girlfriend is upset or ignoring you, what is the best way to handle this situation? How do you get her to open up and feel affectionate towards you again? In this situation, your behavior and response is the key.
Signs Your Girlfriend Is Upset
- She ignores you
- She is distant and withdrawn
- She gives you the silent treatment
- She doesn’t touch you
- She isn’t affectionate
- She gets angry and cries a lot
- She doesn’t return your calls/messages
If your girlfriend is upset, knowing how to handle the situation the right way makes all the difference. If you provoke her or act in a way that is weak and needy, she will continue to grow more and more upset with you.
Let’s take a look at an email from a reader who is going through this exact same problem. He handles the situation well. My response can be seen below in bold.
Email: Girlfriend Is Upset
(Note: all names and personal information have been changed for privacy reason.)
Hi Chris, so my girlfriend said she is upset with me about something I supposedly said in a text message to a friend. She said she didn’t like the fact that I was talking about her behind her back, even though I didn’t say anything bad.
I told her once that “I apologize if it came across that way, but you know I would never do that.” She kept talking about it, saying how upset she is, but I never apologized again after that, and told her I understand but that is not what happened and she doesn’t need to be upset.
It’s good that you stopped apologizing and didn’t make a big deal out of it. Never apologizing for you actions more than once. Once it’s done, it’s done.
Then we had a great rest of the night, and she seemed to calm down. Then she brought it up again. She said she didn’t feel supported because I didn’t ask what was wrong. I reminded her that last time I asked her if something was wrong she lashed out and got aggravated and that I was not going to do that again, that I was fine and figured she would tell me what was wrong when she wanted too.
Perfect response. She might not make it easy for you or comfortable, but this is just her way of testing you for strength and security.
She said I still should have asked ( of course from reading your book I knew it was irrational but that is how women are.)
She might tell you that she wants you to show her more love, care and attention, but you must be vigilant when you do this, especially if you haven’t done anything wrong. This is why it’s so important to give a woman what she needs, not what she wants.
I told her that if I ask I would have been wrong and if I didn’t ask I would have been wrong, that I didn’t do anything wrong and everything was fine. She wouldnt let it go and I think in her neurotic state she wanted to keep going to get a reaction out of me.
Yes, I believe you’re right about this. She wanted to see how far she could go with this and how far she could push you. Would you break under pressure or would you stay emotionally strong and show her that you weren’t affected by her behavior?
She was frustrated I was being calm maybe. She said I hardly texted her back the last few days, and I told her that I knew she was busy on vacation with her family and I didn’t want to interrupt and that when ever she texted me I never ignored her. She said she was upset about this as well.
Then she kept trying to say the point that I ignored her and kept pressing it. I went and got my phone (even though I know logic wont fix emotions) and showed her and re-read the texts. I could see on her face she knew I was right but she didn’t want to accept it. So I told her that I don’t know what else to say, that I disagree with her, but I respect her opinion and we just see it differently and I hate she felt that way about it. Then she cried a little and I just held her, and said nothing.
You don’t need to say anything here. You did the right thing. All you have to do is listen and let her talk it out and give her a hug. A woman will always get upset at some point in time, there’s nothing you can do to change this. The only thing you can control in this situation is your own behavior.
Then she said that this makes her have doubts about us. Unfortunatly I did show reaction to this. I didn’t yell or get upset, but I told her that is a big red flag for me that we just got engaged and you are having doubts about us over a simple texting misunderstanding this is not good for our future.
I think you were justified to get upset here. IT is a red flag if she can’t let this go and you’re both engaged to each other. It wouldn’t bode well for a future together if she is unable to forgive you and she remains upset over something so petty and small.
She realized she went a little to far with that comment. I told her I don’t know what to say about that and that it kind of cheapens the whole engagement in my mind. She said she was sorry for saying she had doubts, but that she didn’t like it. I was frustrated at this point and was trying to be quiet even though my girlfriend is upset still. She then tried to turn it around on me and say that it doesn’t mean we won’t workout, That we can always talk and work through stuff, like it was my fault. I told her I agree we can, but I don’t like you saying you have doubts about us over this subject, its a redflag and pushes me away somewhat. Then she was mad and rolled over in bed and was cold. I waited a few min, then pulled her over to me and kept kissing her, but she refused to be intimate with me. Then this morning she tried being a little distant again, and I simply mirrored her and I kept it light and acted like everything was fine but did not reach out. She texted me later this morning to talk about going to the beach this weekend for a day together.
So that is where I am at, I just wanted to get your input. I felt like I did good for the most part but as the night went on I got tired and couldn’t keep my frame 100%. I hope I didn’t do too bad and wanted your input on how I should proceed. I am thinking of letting it go, don’t be passive agressive, but maybe pull back some and focus on some things I want to do, so I don’t look needy but show her I was not happy with the conversation?
I think, if anything, you were very restrained. A lot of men would have exploded with rage and anger at this point. Or they would have tried to patch the problem up by being overly nice, trying to win her over and contain the damage.
In reality, there wasn’t a problem, she was just creating a problem out of nothing. I wouldn’t go so far as to say she has behavioral issues, is histrionic, or has attachment issues, but if this type of behavior becomes a regular pattern, then it is something you want to think seriously about before committing to her.
Marriage and long-term relationships are hard enough. One of the most important qualities you can look for in a woman is her ability to forgive and let things go.
If your girlfriend is continuously upset with you for no real reason, then it is a red flag.
Why Is She Upset?
The most important thing to consider in this situation, is why is your girlfriend is upset? Does she have a valid reason to be upset?
A valid reason why your girlfriend can be upset are as follows:
- You cheated
- You lied
- You betrayed her trust
- You said mean things to her
- You treated her badly
- You disrespected her
If your girlfriend has a genuine reason for being upset with you, then the best way to handle the situation is to apologize once and let her talk it out.
If you did something wrong, don’t try to defend yourself or put the blame back on her. The best thing you can do is own your actions and let her vent.
When she is finished, give her a hug if she draws closer to you, but don’t force the intimacy too soon. Allow her to come back to you at her own pace.
On the other hand, you might face a situation where your girlfriend is upset or she ignores you and you haven’t even done anything wrong at all.
In this situation, you mustn’t apologize because you didn’t do anything wrong and your apology (for nothing) will be seen as a sign of weakness.
Can She Let It Go?
The only thing that is more frustrating than a girlfriend who is upset and unreasonable, is a girlfriend who is unforgiving and difficult to deal with.
In the moment, it is difficult to deal with an upset girlfriend because it’s hard to know which way to turn without making mistakes.
Do you get angry, shout her down, defend yourself with logic and reason, reaffirm your love for her?
Neither of these situations work because women are emotional creatures and they aren’t coming from a place of logic and reason–they come from a place of pure emotion.
If your girlfriend is upset or doubtful she will express this in any way she can, even if it doesn’t make sense to you.
More than doing anything right, it’s about avoiding key mistakes. Begging, apologizing, trying to fix this situation by talking about it all end up with the man getting egg on his face.
More than handling the situation the right way, it’s more important to avoid making key mistakes here and there is nothing more you can do than this.
Even if you use the right words and say the right things, you will still get a nasty response from her because she is coming from a place of emotion and she isn’t ready to play the peacemaker.
All Women Get Upset
Is it a red flag for a relationship if your girlfriend is upset? No. You will experience this kind of behavior with all women at some point in time, there is no avoiding it, even if you do everything right.
If you talk to your girlfriend and she still ignores you and she can’t let this go, then it this behavior becomes a red flag.
Her inability to let small problems go (and that’s what this is), could be a major detrimental factor to a successful long-term relationship.
Definitely don’t be passive aggressive if your girlfriend is upset, that won’t help the situation.
You must be like a rock as the wind that is a woman’s emotions swirl around you, causing chaos one minute and calm the next. Whatever happens you continue to remain unmovable and unaffected by her behavior.
More storms will come. Don’t let these storms affect you and get under your skin because a woman is always testing you (even when she’s not intentionally testing you), she’s studying your behavior.
Do This If Your Girlfriend Is Upset
Some different ways you can handle an upset girlfriend are as follows:
- Try the soft approach at first. Listen to her talk about her problems and explain why she is upset. Be understanding and sympathetic. Give her comfort and hold her close.
If this doesn’t work and she continues to berate you or ignore you…
- Completely ignore her statements and accusations and change the subject. If you don’t like the conversation, change the topic.
- Say nothing at all. If she questions you about your silence, tell her there’s nothing left for you to say. You’re done talking about the situation.
- If she ignores you, be prepared to ignore her too. Maintain strict no contact until she reaches out to you first, even if this takes her a couple of weeks to get in touch.
- Mirror what she is saying. For example, she says that she “has doubts” about you. You can respond and tell her that you have doubts about her too. When she presses you on what your doubts are, tell her that you have doubts that she has doubts.
- Own your actions. If she tells you that she’s “upset” with you or “she’s not impressed.” Tell her to get in line because she’s not the only person who feels that way. You can’t go through life without getting upset.
- If none of these strategies work, remove yourself from her presence.
Be Prepared to Walk Away
She can’t argue with you if you’re not prepared to stand in front of her and continue the conversation. After all, it takes two to tango.
Let her know that you aren’t prepared to talk about the same issue over and over again. She can’t attack you if you’re prepared to walk away (both in person or over the phone/message).
Unfortunately, a lot of men are terrified to walk away from a woman because they don’t want to lose the girl.
So what do they do instead? They tolerate the situation and they tolerate the woman’s behavior. If their girlfriend is upset, they try to get her back to “normal” as fast as possible.
They try to defend themselves. They try to make the girl happy again—all because they don’t want to lose her.
This now puts the woman into a position of power and makes her feel as though she is the one in control of the situation and the relationship.
If a woman thinks that you’re scared or nervous about losing her, she will sense this weakness in your behavior and your body language, then she will continue to test you more (with irrational behavior and petty arguments).
Keep this in mind when you’re dealing with her: If she can let problems go, great. If not, you might want to use one of the strategies I outlined above.
If she still can’t let things go, then it’s a huge red flag. You want a woman who is forgiving because forgiveness is one of the most important qualities in a long-term relationship.