This article talks about the dangers of narcissistic women. How to spot narcissistic women and the best way to deal with them to avoid getting hurt.
Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist
- You often feel manipulated
- You never feel good enough
- You feel exploited and used
- They lie without remorse
- They are arrogant and demeaning
- Their life and history is chaotic and messy
- They attack you and attempt to bully you
- They ghost you and disappear from your life
When we think of sociopaths and psychopaths, we generally think of men. The Golden State Killer, The Night Stalker, Jack The Ripper—all men. But what about women?
Anti-Social, narcissistic and Machiavellian behavior that is found in women generally flies under the radar.
Narcissistic women aren’t using outright aggression and violence to terrorize their victims. Instead, they use manipulation and covert bullying to terrorize the people in their life.
The female narcissist is the true personification of a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
She appears in the form of a sweet, innocent girl, a kind-hearted mother, a vivacious, energetic, joyful woman, a kind, old grandmother—yet her motivations are often sinister and dark.
Deep beneath that sweet exterior lies something much more sinister: there lies a desire to destroy, hurt, and manipulate.
So why do female narcissists behave this way? What do they want? And what feeds this darkness within their soul?
Narcissistic women want, in no order of preference: power, dominance, control, wealth, status, resources; and, most disturbing of all, a desire to inflict pain on others, which leads to a sense of fulfillment and deep satisfaction on the part of the narcissist.
It should be noted that both men and women find themselves victims of the female narcissist, although usually in different ways.
Female victims are used to serve, feed and support the narcissistic woman’s ego, to serve her bidding like a servant serves its master.
While male victims are used to provide the narcissistic woman with attention, status and resources until the man is milked dry and is of no further use.
The Creation of the Narcissist
Much like a psychopath, the early warning signs for a female narcissist are evident in childhood.
Similar to psychopathy, narcissism is genetic in nature and is an inherited trait.
Narcissim is, after all, a mental disorder, which is believed to affect approximately 1% of the general population (that’s approximately 3.27 million narcissists in the US alone).
Narcissistic personality disorder is classified by the DSM-5 as one of the Cluster B Personality Disorders. These Cluster B personality disorders include Borderline Personality, Histrionic Personality and Antisocial Personality.
An interesting study carried out by researchers at the University of Germany found that people with narcissistic personality disorder have problems with the right anterior insular cortex in the brain. This is the part of the brain that is responsible for empathy.
The little girl who gangs up on other children in the playground has the potential to develop into a fully formed malignant narcissist.
That “catty girl” in high school who victimizes other girls and verbally attacks boys is a strong contender for adult narcissism.
The “office bitch” who disrupts the workplace, attacking lower ranked colleagues while “kissing managements’ ass” is most likely a functioning narcissist.
In the workplace, the narcissist will often see other co-workers as potentially abusive and threatening. As a result, the female narcissist is frequently triggered because her self-esteem is so fragile.
Traits of Narcissistic Women
Narcissist women are first and foremost—shameless (although they can feel great shame).
- Narcissists distort reality
- They are hyper-sensitive
- They can do no wrong
- They see themselves as perfect
- They are arrogant and entitled
- They have no problem exploiting others
- They lack empathy and concern for others
- Narcissists don’t respect boundaries and personal space
Narcissists are not constrained by society, nor do they care what other people want. They don’t feel guilty about this and they don’t feel shame.
The narcissist doesn’t want to confront feelings of shame because shame is an attack on their ego and valuable sense of self.
Instead, narcissists edge towards feelings of guilt for their actions. In this way, it is not her actions that are bad or evil, as her intentions were good (she was simply defending herself).
Tied to this, narcissists distort reality, believing themselves to be perfect. It is everyone else who is wrong and evil.
By far the most obvious narcissistic traits are arrogance and entitlement. The narcissist woman believes that she deserves the best treatment, favoritism, and that she should be “worshipped” by others.
If you worship a narcissist, you might be pathetic, but you are certainly useful in so much that you help to uphold her fragile ego and self-esteem.
These narcissistic traits lead to two dangerous byproducts: exploitation and bad boundaries.
The narcissistic woman has no hesitation when it comes to exploiting other people for her benefit.
She doesn’t care what other people want or need. As a result, the narcissist struggles to hold together friendships and her romantic life is a chaotic mess.
Narcissists do not respect boundaries either. You are there to serve her needs.
If a narcissistic woman continually infringes upon your personal space and crosses your personal boundaries, they are most likely a narcissist who sees you as an extension of herself, someone who is there to serve her needs and raise her up.
This all leads to a thoroughly unpleasant experience when it comes to interacting with narcissists.
This is also why it’s so important to be able to spot a narcissistic woman, so you can protect yourself and your family from being drawn into her toxic web of destruction.
How to Spot A Female Narcissist
When you know what to look for, it’s easy to spot narcissistic women. The best advice I can give you (on top of the information listed below) is to listen to your gut.
If something feels wrong, it probably is wrong and you need to pay close attention to your instincts. Ignore these early warning signs at your own peril.
She Bad Mouths People
The first thing you might notice about a female narcissist is her propensity to bad mouth people.
She is often callous, vicious and lacking in empathy when it comes to dealing with other people. She has a mean tongue and thinks nothing of bad mouthing co-workers and friends.
I once worked with a classic female narcissist who would refer to other colleagues as “idiots,” “morons,” “freaks,” and “retards.” I heard all this on my first day at work and it was an instant red-flag.
If you come across a woman who constantly bad mouths other people, it’s not a question of WILL she bad mouth you? It’s a question of WHEN will she bad mouth you? There are no exceptions to this rule.
She Is Attractive (or tries hard to be)
Narcissistic women are often attractive and make a great first impression. They dress to impress and go out of their way to look good.
Because the narcissist is so focused on herself, she pays particular attention to her style and appearance. She will often wear flashy or expensive clothes (even when it feels inappropriate or out of place to do so).
A narcissist can be physically unattractive, yet see herself as the most attractive person in the world.
Furthermore, the narcissistic woman will frequently use cosmetic enhancements to improve her appearance.
She will think nothing of getting breast implants, liposuction, nose jobs, and facelifts it these surgeries mean that she can gain more followers and have more influence, thus increasing her status.
She Brings Chaos Into Your Life
Your life was running smoothly until you met the narcissist. Narcissistic women feed off drama by creating pain and suffering in their victims.
It doesn’t matter what you think or feel. It doesn’t matter if you get hurt because your emotions and feelings aren’t important.
All that’s important is the narcissist’s needs.
The world revolves around the narcissist and her selfish emotions. Anything that raises her up, makes her feel better, advances her position in life is all that counts.
As a result, when you interact with narcissistic women you will notice that you have to deal with a LOT of unnecessary drama and problems.
Expect hysterical tantrums, manipulation, verbal abuse, especailly if you are unable to meet the narcissist’s needs. And God help you if you’re dating a narcissistic woman. Life will get messy fast.
She’s Ignorant and Obnoxious
Just because a woman is a narcissist doesn’t mean she is intelligent or smart.
In fact, in my interactions with narcissistic women, I have come to view them as particularly blinkered and obnoxious to the point of stupidity.
The narcissist’s self-focus and obsession with themselves blinds them to the realities of life and the needs of other people.
They are often so self-obsessed that they only talk about themselves, their needs, their emotions, their desires. It’s all about them as they see themselves as the most interesting and important person on earth.
They are rarely, if ever, interested in other people unless they can get something from another person.
Often, when you meet a narcissistic women one thought will run through your mind: God, I can’t stand this person. They’re so vain, obnoxious, and overbearing.
She’s An Attention Whore
Narcissistic women have huge egos. They are, what you might call, ego monsters. They crave recognition, power, and status.
You might sense that someone who posts lots of pictures on social media is narcissistic, but the true narcissist will take this to the extreme, posting excessive amounts of pictures on social media (featuring themselves and their “glamours” lifestyle).
Indeed, a study carried out by Researchers at Swansea University found that excessive use of social media, in particular, selfies and images, are associated with high levels of narcissism.
With that said, the extreme narcissist, at her core, has an extreme fear of death and imperfection.
To overcome this fear of death, the narcissist creates a distortion field to protect herself from the imperfections of the world and keep her sense of self intact.
Any attempt to criticize the narcissist or to say something that shatters her sense of self will be met with extreme resistance and anger.
She Sucks Your Emotions and Takes Your Money
After interacting with a narcissist, you will often feel emotionally drained. Narcissists are emotional vampires in the truest sense of the word.
They care nothing for your feelings. They have no empathy or sympathy and will think nothing of causing you stress and turmoil.
A classic example of this is when you tell a narcissist that you’re busy or unavailable and they continue to blow up your phone with messages and phone calls.
Why? Because they don’t care if you’re busy or unavailable, it’s all about what they want—you’re emotions and feelings are of no importance.
If you deal with a narcissist prepare to be left feeling emotionally drained and exhausted. Trying to please a narcissist is an exercise in futility.
You can throw as much attention, money and support at a narcissist and it will never be enough—a narcissist is essentially a human black hole.
If you’re dating a narcissistic woman, you will notice that she tries to go after your resources. She will spend your money and take things from you without thinking twice.
A classic example of this is a woman who asks a man to buy her things, or encourages the man to spend money on her, all the while offering nothing in return.
Sometimes the narcissist will trade resources for intimacy, but not always.
Often the narcissist will offer the “promise of intimacy” or a “romantic relationship” with no intention of ever allowing a strong emotional or physical connection to take place.
You will be left feeling used and abused. You will feel manipulated. And you will feel a strong imbalance in a relationship with a narcissist.
The narcissist will think nothing of sucking you dry and will get all cut up when you refuse to buy her things or give in to her manipulative demands.
One narcissistic woman, who was dating a friend of mine, used to strip down naked and strut around the bedroom saying, “You can look but you can’t touch… next time you can touch.”
She would tease this man to the point of cruelty.
One time she even knelt over on the bed and spread her ass cheeks inviting the man to come to her her and take her from behind.
Right before the man had a chance to come close, the narcissistic woman would pull away, reprimanding the man for being sexually obsessed.
This was classic narcissistic female behavior. Draw the man in, get him on the hook, promise more, then control and manipulate him to her advantage.
What did she get out of the arrangement? Luxury weekends, gifts, and attention from a high-status man.
What did the man get? Nothing. Nothing but cruelty and frustration.
If you’re dating a narcissist, they will (implicitly or explicitly) offer the promise of more as they take as much (support, attention, validation and money) from you as they possibly can.
You’re a Hero, then You’re Zero
What makes the female narcissist so disturbing is her ability to draw people into her web so easily.
When you first meet a narcissist, they will often make you feel like the most important person in the world. This is especially true if you are useful to them.
If you’re in a higher position at work, have high status, wealth, or social value—the narcissist will notice, and, much like the psychopath, they will use you for their own gain.
The treatment you receive from a narcissist will often be night and day, deepening upon who you are as a person.
If you have high social status and wealth, a narcissist will treat you well in order to piggyback off your success.
If you have low social status and an average income your interactions with narcissistic women will be frosty and unpleasant.
You are of no real use to a narcissist, unless you’re working for them or working to advance their position.
If a woman enters your life and flatters you and gives you extra attention, be careful, you might be dealing with a narcissist.
A relationship with a narcissist follows this path: you’re charmed, then you’re harmed.
If she makes you feel like a hero and she tries to rush the seduction, this is also a huge red flag.
Be wary of people who want to get too close to you too soon, they usually have ulterior motives.
Similarly, if you meet a woman and she is dismissive or rude towards you for no apparent reason, there’s a good chance you’re dealing with a narcissist.
She’s Had Many Relationships
Sit down with a narcissistic woman and you will hear stories of all the terrible men in her life. She will have had many boyfriend and has possibly been divorced numerous times.
The destruction of her relationships is never her fault. The man was “an asshole,” “abusive,” “mean,” “self-centered,” “manipulative,” “aggressive.”
(Note: the terms she uses to describe her past relationships are often a projection of her own behavior.)
One thing is for sure, narcissistic women have many concurrent and past relationships. Their social life and love life is a mess. If you expect to be treated any differently, you’re in for a big surprise.
If you’re dating a narcissistic woman, there’s a good chance she’ll disappear from your life and ghost you without warning. This usually happens when she meets another man who has more status and wealth. If there’s one thing a narcissist is good at it’s monkey-branching.
People Love Her or Hate Her
One of the best ways to diagnose a psychopath is to interview their friends and family and hear what they have to say about the person.
In the case of psychopaths, responses will usually vary in the extreme—from “this person is amazing” to “this person is the most horrible person I have ever met.”
Narcissists are the same. Talk to the people in a narcissists life and opinions of the person will vary from one extreme to another. People will either love the narcissist or they will hate her.
Most relationships with a narcissistic woman progress from extreme like to extreme dislike in a relatively short space of time.
She’s Skilled at Psychological Torture
The sweet, little girl who starts out life as a difficult child in the playground, before graduating to bullying in high school is simply refining and improving her narcissistic traits as she prepares to enter adulthood.
By the time the narcissistic woman enters the workplace, she is often skilled at psychological manipulation.
She can smell weakness and vulnerability in men (and women) like a shark smells blood. The narcissistic woman knows how to target people and exploit weakness.
When dating a narcissist, expect her to make you jealous, pitting men against you and using other men as proxy weapons for her own advantage.
She will go out of her way to punish you and make you feel jealous. If you notice this behavior, then she is most likely a narcissist who uses men for her own personal gain.
Furthermore, she will threaten you (in an extreme way) and cause unnecessary drama as she continues to bring turmoil into your life.
You will struggle to engage with the narcissist in a rational way. She will twist your words and accuse you of doing things you haven’t done.
In other words, she is always right, and you are always wrong.
Expect extreme over-reaction when dealing with a narcissist. Her reactions and behavior will always seem extreme and over-the-top with high levels of jealousy, anger, rage, and exploitation characterizing your relationship.
Throughout history, narcissistic women have used their psychological prowess to manipulate men and get them to do their bidding.
A narcissistic woman can psychologically manipulate a man in any number of ways. Most of the time, these women will use their emotions as a form of psychological attack.
And it’s certainly not uncommon for a woman to “fake” her emotions in a strategic bid to unsettle a man.
Guilt trips, threats, bouts of anger, crying, and temper tantrums are all forms of psychological manipulation that women use to break a man down.
A woman might try to make you feel guilty for not behaving a certain way. She might pretend to be angry or sad because you’ve stepped out of line.
She might throw a tantrum and act unreasonable. She might become withdrawn and distant. She might even attempt to make you feel ashamed for something you did in the past.
Of course, when a woman does this, she gets a free pass because she’s just being emotional. She’s a woman, she’s allowed to act unreasonable.
In response, men often tell a woman what they think she wants to hear, only to see the situation deteriorate and get worse.
The key to combatting psychological manipulation is to avoid falling into the trap of defending yourself with logic and reason, and see the narcissist’s behavior for what it is: pure manipulation.
Narcissistic Women Test to the Extreme
If you feel taken aback by a woman’s behavior or a sudden change in her mood, recognize it for what it is—a test.
You must never allow yourself to be drawn into a woman’s emotions. Instead, you must use a woman’s emotional withdrawal or volatility as an opportunity to project strength.
A woman might call you a liar, a cheater, a loser. She might even go so far as to tell you that she doesn’t trust you anymore or that she doesn’t love you. But whatever happens, you must never succumb to her emotions—emotions that will burn themselves out in time.
If you show a woman that nothing she does can unsettle you, she’ll come back to you time and time again with heightened levels of attraction.
The woman will also learn a valuable lesson in the process: she will realize that she has no emotional control over you whatsoever. Whatever she does or says cannot hurt you.
With narcissistic women, this testing is even more extreme (and often borderline abusive). The narcissistic women will throw abuse and insults at you with no concern for your feelings.
Because the narcissist sees the world in a binary way (e.g., black/white, good/bad, smart/dumb, young/old), the narcissistic will often hurl insults that are binary in nature:
- “You’re so stupid!”
- “You’re so ugly!”
- “You’re a bitch, not a man!”
- “You’re a poor, cheap bastard!”
- “You’re an old jobless waste of life!”
- “Your mother should have aborted you!”
There is no point trying to defend yourself by getting into a blazing argument, and you certainly must never apologize to a narcissist as apologies are an extreme form of weakness in the narcissist’s eyes.
Just as you should never argue with a drunk, it’s a waste of time to argue with a narcissist.
Instead, you must walk away and display a complete lack of indifference to the narcissist’s behavior and accusations.
Beware the Malignant Narcissist
The malignant narcissist is the most dangerous and extreme form of narcissism.
When a woman is high on the scale of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), she is easily triggered and not just a danger to herself but a danger to others as well.
Malignant narcissism is characterized by a set of antisocial features. These antisocial features include paranoia, aggression, rage, jealousy, need for power, and grandiosity.
On top of this, the malignant narcissist will feel a lack of empathy for others along with a lack of concern and awareness regarding her own actions.
The reason why malignant narcissists are so dangerous is because they are extremely vindictive and spiteful.
Malignant narcissists have the potential to destroy families and communities (and in some cases, countries e.g., Josef Stalin who terrorized the Russian people with his paranoia and narcissism).
You will often feel as though you are walking on eggshells around these types of narcissists, and they will lash out in anger and seek vengeance against you for the smallest infraction.
Simply disagreeing with their opinion or saying something that they feel is offensive is enough to set them off.
Malignant narcissists are hyper-sensitive and paranoid. They are also power hungry and delusional.
This type of narcissist will even tell lies about themselves and believe their own lies just because they said it, it must be true.
Many narcissists will use any means possible to attack you if they feel as though you have diminished them in any way, and this is especially true of malignant narcissists.
If you say something even slightly critical to the malignant narcissist she will respond with extreme aggression, anger, and hostility in retaliation.
If this means leveraging the legal system to her advantage against you, she will do this.
If you trigger a malignant female narcissist, expect a storm of rage to hit you via social media, messages, phone calls, or indirectly through the legal system (as they make false allegations against you).
You can read two disturbing account of vindictive female narcissists below:
The other tells the story of two narcissistic women who sought out male victims to exploit for no other reason than acquiring power and control over men.
If you’re lucky, the malignant narcissist will attack you head on with verbal abuse and direct anger.
If you’re unlucky, and happen to meet a more scheming, manipulative narcissist, they will use the legal system against you and attempt to terrorize you via social media and the courts.
The police have a term for dangerous people like this. They are called 50/50s because their actions hover between legal and illegal—that gray, murky area that makes it difficult to press charges.
Terrorizing a man over social media by threatening to tell his colleagues and his family that he is a rapist is illegal—it’s slander.
Only, it’s not illegal if it’s said in such a way as to be ambiguous enough to leave some doubt as to the true nature of the allegation.
If a woman makes a fake account on social media and slowly but surely destroys your life, it’s going to be hard to prove “who did it” and it’s going to be hard to repair the damage, even if you do get a chance to clear your name.
Narcissistic women are often experts at finding this gray area, staying on the border between legal and illegal as they terrorize their target.
What they do is illegal/borderline illegal, but it’s going to be hard to prove it. In the meantime, the narcissist inflicts tremendous amounts of damage and grief upon her victims.
But why? Why do they do this and why do they go to such extremes?
The reason why the malignant narcissist attacks so fiercely is to repair the damage to her fragile ego.
When she destroys your life and brings you down, the narcissist regains a sense of justice and restores her sense of power—power that she believes you stole from her.
Men Who Are Vulnerable to Narcissists
Some men are more vulnerable to narcissistic women than others. The type of men who are most vulnerable to Narcissistic women are as follows:
- Lonely men who are desperate for love and affection
- Men who need ego validation and appreciation
- Men who are missing support and respect in their life
- Men who are sexually frustrated and want romance
- High status men with lots of money and power
- Men who crave drama, risk and entertainment
If you are one of these types of men, you must be extra vigilant around women who suddenly take a keen interest in your life and attempt to ingratiate themselves with you.
How to Deal With Narcissistic Women
When it comes to dealing with narcissistic women, you must remember that any attempt to challenge them will be perceived by the narcissist as a threat.
The narcissist will react with extreme anger, jealousy, and volatility. If you decide to have an ongoing argument or series of conflicts with a narcissist, you will find the whole process extremely tiring and exhausting.
Instead, it is much better to walk away and enforce strict boundaries between yourself and the narcissist.
Narcissism is simply a mental disorder, and it is certainly possible, if you know what you’re doing, to have a good relationship with a narcissist (like a lion tamer has a relationship with a lion).
Similar to a sweet dessert, the narcissist is best taken in small doses. They are not the type of people you can relax with and have fun.
The narcissist is a taker, and, as a result, they will leave you feeling exhausted after spending time in their company.
I have had some “functional” relationships with people who were obvious narcissists, but I have also had some terrible relationships with narcissists.
Having said that, the narcissist can be quite entertaining. They often live large lives (although a lot this “largeness” is fake).
However, if you want to be regaled with stories of horror, drama, and crazy relationships the narcissist is a good person to speak to.
Just remember to take the narcissist’s words with a grain of salt and never allow them to get too close to you.
However, if you want/need to have a functional, working relationship with a narcissist, you must enforce strict boundaries. You must also set strict limits on the amount of time you spend with them.
If you give your time too freely to a narcisssit, they will suck your emotions dry and leave you feeling spent. They will also lose respect for you.
It is only when you enforce strict boundaries that the narcissist will maintain a modicum of respect for you.
If you find yourself in conflict with a narcissist, walk away. You don’t need to engage them and feed their destructive emotions.
Walk away and cut them off if possible.
You must remember to maintain a separation between yourself and the narcissist at all times. Never allow them to get too emotionally close to you, or allow them to see you as an extension of themself.
As life progresses and the narcissist is unable to acquire the type of wealth, status, and perfection their heart desires, the cracks in their fragile self-esteem start to appear.
All narcissists are ultimately on a collision course with reality—it is only a matter of time before they make impact and self-destruct.
As the world slowly chips away at the narcissist’s version of reality, narcissistic denial, delusion and paranoia tends to escalate as a form of compensation.
This all leads to one very sad conclusion: a life of broken dreams, fractured relationships, and unrealized potential.
In its most extreme form, the narcissist will commit suicide as her disappointment and frustration reaches psychotoic proportions.
While the female narcissist leaves a trail of destruction in her path, at the end of the day, she always ends up alone.
It is very difficult for the narcissist to maintain a loving relationship. They might get married, but their marriage will be purely self-serving and loveless.
The narcissist cannot maintain friendships as their friends are few and far between.
At the end of the day, the narcissist is her own worst enemy, sabotaging any chance at happiness as she continues to live a life devoid of human connection.