If you’re not attracted to your girlfriend anymore, this article will explain why this has happened and what you can do about it. Here are few reasons why a lack of attraction occurs:
- You’re turned off by her appearance
- Your girlfriend has let herself go (e.g., weight gain)
- You’ve become desensitized to your girlfriend
- Her personality is a turn-off (too clingy, needy, unsexual)
- You lack space and tension in the relationship
It’s a strange, surreal feeling: you lie in bed next to a woman you once thought was so attractive and you feel… you feel nothing.
You have no desire to kiss her. You have no desire to have sex with her. And you have no desire to touch her.
Sometimes, the reasons why you’re no longer attracted to your girlfriend are obvious.
Maybe she put on weight and stopped taking care of herself. Maybe she let herself go and stopped caring about her appearance.
Perhaps her attitude disintegrated and she became rude and obnoxious around you. Or maybe there was one aspect of her body that turned you off and you couldn’t get over it.
These are the obvious reasons why you might lose attraction for your girlfriend. There are, however, less obvious reasons why attraction can fade away.
Your girlfriend might be too needy, too available, too clingy, too unsexy (even if she’s beautiful) to arouse you.
When you look at your girlfriend, you might not be attracted to her because you don’t see a sexy woman, you see a clingy, suffocating girlfriend.
Not Attracted to Girlfriend
Before we get into the “how to” of fixing this situation, let’s take a look at an email from a reader who is going through this exact same problem. My response can be seen below in bold.
Note: all names and personal information have been changed for privacy reason.
Hi Chris, I wanted to talk about some intimacy issues presently creeping up in my relationship. We’ve been taking things at a good pace I believe, not rushing things (ie: I dont feel pressure from her to settle down anytime soon, but we enjoy each others company everytime we’re together). Basically I know she’s a solid person, smart, committed, comes from a great family, funny, kind, athletic, all the things one looks for in a potential partner.
I guess the last couple of times we’ve been together, however, I’ve had some sexual arousal issues pop up (the first time, she was giving me oral and for some reason I wasn’t getting aroused the same way as before, so it ended a lot quicker than we normally do – no ejaculation, and most recently a few days ago we had sex for a bit but I lost arousal and we didn’t finish – same ending again).
I’ve been trying to understand what the reason for this is. The first time I didn’t get aroused, I could see her getting concerned, and in her face she seemed to have a look of loosing confidence (at least my interpretation?). I have been going through a stress issue at work myself, and I mentioned this to her when we started discussing the intimacy issues––telling her about this has also given me some stress at times.
Stress might be the reason. It is, however, normal to have a dip in arousal, especially when you start to get desensitized towards another partner or you start to get too comfortable in the relationship. A woman’s attraction can fade when her stress levels increase; on the other hand, a man’s sexual desire can increase as stress levels elevate (unless the stress causes the man to feel a loss of self-worth).
Sometimes I use viagra, and I have to admit I used it these last couple of times but the issues still happened. I was trying to be honest with myself and ask “am I not attracted to my girlfriend the same as before?” While I enjoy a good looking female like any other guy, and come across those at work and socially, I honestly don’t desire to “play the field” or “catch myself flirting or chasing other chicks.” Since we’ve been dating the last few months. I was thinking, since she told me first she loves me and gave me an expensive watch, am I reacting like ladies do when a man chases them too much and they get turned off subconsciously?
It’s possible. It’s happened to me. I’ve struggled to get aroused with girls and in some cases I couldn’t get it up at all. I thought it was me at first, but when I slept with other women, erection problems didn’t come into play. It’s more likely that this is a mental, rather than a physical issue.
If you find you’re struggling to get an erection with your girlfriend, then there’s a strong possibility that you’ve either (a) become desensitized to her; (b) find her personality a turn off in some way—i.e., too needy, clingy, unsexual; or (c) you lack space and tension in the relationship.
If I’m being particular, she has a great ass (she used to run track in college and she still runs 2-3 times a week a few miles) but her chest is like a B,small C, and I’ve usually been attracted to D cups (again I’m just being honest – but then again lately I haven’t really been finding myself chasing down or oogling over D+ cup chicks I see or talk to).
This is a fair point. Sometimes a woman can tick all the right categories. She can be a literal 9 on the attraction scale, but she won’t turn you on the same way a 7 might turn you on. You have to be honest with yourself here, and this is especially important for men. A lot of women won’t understand this, but if there is some physical aspect you need from a woman or behavior/sexual style that does it for you, then that is going to be much more attractive than an aesthetically beautiful girlfriend who is lacking those attributes.
I know some men who need to have a girl with large breasts, or a woman with a hairy bush, or completely shaved, or long legs… whatever it is that turns you on must be present…. If it’s missing you will find it harder to get turned on and aroused. If your girlfriend is missing these physical qualities then this problem will never really go away and you will continue to lose attraction for your girlfriend.
I can say though that when I saw her getting stressed at work recently, and seeing it kinda being on her mind at times and kinda carrying over to the bedroom (ie, maybe she’s not giving me as strong head as she normally does), it is a bit of a turnoff.
If your girlfriend is not putting effort into sex or appears to not enjoy herself then you will get turned off by her. We feed off our partner’s sexual energy. If someone is highly attracted to you and putting a lot of effort into sex, then it’s going to be a huge turn-on compared to someone who doesn’t put that much effort into pleasing you, or is more concerned with pleasing themself.
One other thing I thought of, again I’m just being honest, her breath more often than not, is not as fresh as it could be (I’ve seen her brush her teeth, but I don’t think she does it regularly or as often as she could)…
This is probably a dietary issue. If she is brushing her teeth on a regular basis, but not eating regularly or is cutting back on meals to lose weight or stay trim, then she will have strong breath odor. A lot of women can have this issue and it, again, will make you lose attraction for your girlfriend.
But that could be me being too picky?)
No, it’s not being too picky. You don’t want to have to smell horrible breath every time you’re trying to get intimate with your girlfriend. I would check that she is eating regularly and not going for extended periods of time where she’s skipping meals as well as maintaining good, dental hygiene.
I really want to try and correct these potential issues with her before they get potentially out of control.
I think you need to mix it up and break routines here for a start. If you’ve become too predictable and the sex has become routine, then you’re going to get turned off by your girlfriend and lose attraction for her.
If you’re not attracted to your girlfriend anymore, take the following steps to boost attraction:
- Bring space back into the relationship
- Be more direct in asking for what you want
- Take the lead in bed and go after what you want
- Focus on less sex, but better quality sex
- Don’t watch porn and don’t masturbate
Going on holiday might be enough to mix things up. But a loss of sexual attraction, from a man’s end, can be a difficult problem to solve. When it’s gone with a girl, it’s often gone for good.
Part of the reason for this is that, unfortunately, when a man enters into a long-term relationship his testosterone levels drop, the drops further when he gets married.
If you want to have raging erections and attraction for your partner, science would suggest that you don’t get too committed to a girl and keep some distance between the two of you (by introducing space).
Another way to boost sexual attraction is to bring some jealousy into the relationship. This is never a comfortable or nice feeling, but it can work wonders when it comes to spiking attraction (due to our biological programing to mate guard and protect our sexual partners).
You will never be as attracted to your girlfriend as you were in the first stages of sexual embrace.
There is always a trade-off you must make when you enter into a long term relationship with a girl: that is, trading more love for less attraction.
The more you fall in love and become comfortable with your girlfriend, the more likely you are to see a dip in attraction and sexual tension. This will lead to lower levels of arousal.
You can only bring this attraction back up again by bringing more tension, uncertainty, jealousy into the relationship.
I would try to break patterns here and do things that turn you on more. Be more direct in bed and tell her what you need or like.
Your girlfriend will get turned on more too and feed off your increased arousal. Don’t be scared to take the lead here.
Also, to increase the sexual tension, you might try reducing the quantity of sex (bringing more space into the relationship) in order to improve the quality of the sex.
Be True to Your Desires
If these strategies fail, then you will need to consider taking a mini-break from the relationship. This doesn’t mean a break-up, but it does mean taking some time apart for a couple of weeks.
If there is some physical aspect that your girlfriend is missing that is causing you to lose attraction or her, then you must be honest with yourself.
If you want a woman with big breasts, and your girlfriend has small breasts, you’re not going to be happy until you get a girl with big breasts (as shallow as that may sound, it’s true).
You have to know, first and foremost, what turns you on––whatever that is. Then you must seek that out until you get it.
If your girlfriend has some physical/behavior issue that is lacking or unattractive to you, you must be ruthlessly honest with yourself here and move on so you can find another woman who can fulfill your needs.
Just because you love your girlfriend and feel attached to her doesn’t mean she will be able to satisfy you sexually.
A lot of men feel as though they’re trapped in a prison when they’re forced to make love to a woman they’re no longer attracted to. There is no need to punish yourself here or drag this on longer than you need to.
It all starts by being honest with yourself, your needs, and your desires. As they say, the truth will set you free.