After Sex, Girl Backed Off and Stopped Messaging… Why?

In this article we look at what happens if you sleep with a girl, then, after you’ve been intimate, she back away from you. This happens when the seduction process has been derailed. 

Before I explain how to fix this situation and restore attraction, let’s take a look at a reader who is going through this problem with a girl he is dating.

(Note: Real names and personal information have been withheld for privacy reasons.)


Hi there, I was needing a little help. Girl I been talking to for 5 weeks everything was going well starting to come together then one night we had sex and she kinda backed off after that, like she wont text me first if I text her she will respond and act happy to text but she’s not coming at me like she did before. 

This is an interesting one. The moment you sleep with a girl, you shift the relationship dynamic and the nature of the relationship changes. At the start of the relationship, it’s normal for the man to chase the girl. You chase her. You become intimate with her. And she becomes more attached and attracted to you. That’s how the process should work. This process is often subverted, however, the moment a man becomes intimate with a woman and then continues to chase the girl after he’s already been intimate with her.

I gave her space I backed off after a week she messaged me and we went out for a bit but now back to the same thing she not messaging me, so I’m doing all the work she 25 I’m 33 and she is in medical school and busy and stressed I believe and finals 

Thank you 


She’ll Back Off If You Chase

don't chase after sex

So we have two issues here: The first issue is that you’re still chasing. You don’t trust yourself to back off and allow this girl to come to you when she’s ready. The second issue (of less importance) is that she’s busy and stressed out from her studies. The good news is that you can resolve both of these problems at the same time. The most important thing to understand here is the subtle shift that takes place after you sleep with a girl. You have now changed the nature of the relationship. 

You are no longer friends. You are no longer a possibility. You are closer than you were before, and you have now been intimate with each other.

The moment you have sex with a girl, a whole assortment of chemicals are released in her body. The main chemical, oxytocin, makes her feel closer to you and more attached to you. It also makes her feel more attracted to you.

This is true as long as you don’t subvert this natural process and stop it from taking place.

You can destroy the natural seduction process by continuing to chase this girl. If you sleep with a girl and continue to chase her, she will start to feel as though you have taken over her role as a woman and you are too relationship focused.

Her role as a woman is to go from being chased (before intimacy) to start chasing you (after sex).

If you don’t allow this transition to happen naturally, she will pull away from you and become less responsive.

You could call it a test, but she won’t be cognizant of this. She won’t understand why she is feeling turned off and less responsive. She is simply responding to her feelings and her own emotions. 

Women Follow Their Emotions

women follow their emotions

Her emotions and feelings are telling her that you’re relationship focused. You’re the one who likes her more than she likes you. There’s no challenge for her. You’re giving your love away too easily and she doesn’t’ have to work for it. A woman needs to work for your love. If you give your love away too easily, she won’t value it and she will think your love is cheap. People only value that which they work for.

She needs to think about you. She needs to try to win you over. If you don’t allow this to happen by continuing to chase her, she will naturally pull away from you until she loses all interest in you.

The easy way to fix this situation is to cut contact with this girl and force her to reach out to you.

I know it feel as though she will forget about you and move on if you do this, but in reality, the opposite is true. She will become even more attracted to you.

You have to get comfortable with the idea of not contacting a girl and waiting for her to reach out to you. Even if it takes a couple of weeks for her to get in touch (and she will), you must be strong and not give in to your emotions.

If you do this, you will raise her attraction and get her to chase you again. If you want to bring this home, follow this advice and you will heighten her attraction for you.

When she does contact you, don’t be passive aggressive. Let her reach out to you and respond in a light and relaxed way. Express the following sentiment: “Hey I’m good, how’s everything with you?”

Have some light chitchat, then ask her out and set a date. If she flakes or makes excuses why she can’t see you, cut contact again.

If she agrees to see you, get off the phone and don’t text her again until the day you’re set to meetup.

If you follow these principles, you can’t go wrong.

Don’t Talk Her Out of Attraction

A good friend of mine (let’s call him John) once had a similar problem. He met a girl when he was on holiday in Costa Rica. They hit it off straight away. Lots of passion. Lots of intensity. Then the moment they had sex, she pulls away from him and was suddenly unavailable to see him. She kept making excuses why she was busy. She was tired. She had to work. She was dealing with family issues. Excuse after excuse. John couldn’t understand what was going on.

The reason she pulled away was simple: after they had sex for the first time, John went into chase mode. The sex was so good, and he found this girl so attractive, he said that he became desperate to see her again.

Instead of hanging back and allowing her to reach out to him, John started blowing up her phone telling her how much he liked her and how he couldn’t wait to see her again. 

John essentially talked this girl out of liking him. It got so bad, that he was never able to see her again and secure another date. You don’t want to make the same mistake.

Now, it’s also true that women do get stressed out easily. If a woman is dealing with a lot of stress at work, with her studies, or some other problem, she will become more difficult to seduce.

The worst thing you can do is add to her stress. If you continue to chase her, pressure her to meet up, or make her feel as though she is obligated to see you, and fit you into her life she will withdraw from you.

If you back away and allow her to reach out to you when she’s ready, she will feel free to chase you and her stress will dissipate. Instead, you will be the guy she comes to when she wants to relieve her stress (because you don’t put any pressure on her and you keep the mood light and relaxed. 

All you have to do is wait for her to contact you, then show her a good time. It’s that simple.