The relationship-focused man kills attraction because his behavior is feminine. And as research published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin explains: men who are too caring and relationship focused are rated less attractive by women.
In all relationships, men and women have assigned gender roles. These gender roles are not assigned by society or culture, they’re assigned by nature.
If a woman believes she must take the lead in the relationship, she’s being forced to act in a way that runs contrary to her nature. The same applies to men who seek commitment and focus on the relationship—they, too, are behaving in a way that runs contrary to their nature.
Responsive Traits Kill Attraction
Highly responsive men believe that if they talk about their feelings, they’ll be able to form a strong connection with a woman and get her to fall in love with them. They believe that affirmations of love will make the woman feel more secure in the relationship. In reality, anytime you’re too responsive, putting relationships at the forefront of your life, you risk killing attraction. Responsiveness, as measured by researchers, encompasses a series of traits that includes being nurturing, kind, supportive, and emotionally available.
Surprisingly, and somewhat counter-intuitively, these responsive traits have been found to kill attraction and turn women off.
Case Study: Never Seek Love to Get Love
Kate and Doug had just had finished making love for the first time. As they lay next to each other, all hot and sweaty, Doug reached over and touched Kate on the arm. “That was amazing.”
“I hope you don’t think we’re in a relationship,” Kate said as she pulled away from him.
“Why’d you say that?” Doug said, taken aback. “Why’d you sleep with me then?”
“I’m just not ready for a relationship,” Kate said as she slipped out of bed and got dressed.
Doug had no idea that this was the first and last time he would ever have sex with Kate. His desperate, needy behavior would ultimately destroy what little attraction Kate had left for him.
* * *
Six months later, Kate and Eddie had just finished making love for the first time. As they lay in bed, all hot and sweaty, Eddie reached over and touched Kate on the arm. “That was awesome.”
“Just so you know, I’m not looking for a relationship,” Kate said.
“Why would I want a relationship?” Eddie replied.
“I’m just letting you know.”
“Take it easy. We’ve only just met.” Eddie said as he jumped out of bed.
Kate took a deep breath and relaxed. She felt relief, especially after her last experience with Doug. Little did Kate realize that two months from now she would be on the phone with her best friend, crying because Eddie refused to commit to her.
Don’t Focus on the Relationship
When a woman thinks you’re overly focused on the relationship and emotionally affected by everything she does, she’ll naturally start to question your masculinity. The woman’s natural instinct is to then pull away and study your behavior from a distance. Take the following situations as an example: (1) A woman has sex with a man without expressing any emotion or feeling for him and the man gets upset; (2) A woman can’t see her boyfriend on Valentine’s day and the man responds by throwing a tantrum; (3) The man confuses feelings of lust for love and tells his girlfriend that he’s falling in love with her on the third date.
In all three situations, the man is overly focused on the relationship. To protect yourself from situations like this, you must take the focus off the relationship. Women are relationship focused; men are mission focused. The moment you subvert this natural dynamic is the moment you kill attraction by focusing on the woman when you should be focusing on yourself instead.