If you lied to your girlfriend and she broke up with you, this article will tell you the best way to deal with this situation. But first…
An email from a reader who is dealing with this same problem. The reader lied to his girlfriend and she broke up with him. You can see my response below in bold.
(Note: names and personal information has been withheld to ensure privacy.)
–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
Hi Chris,
We dated for four years, we lived together for one and i was always in control in the relationship but i got to a point in my life where i thought what i wanted was to be out with friends and have fun. Most of the time i put my girlfriend second and i lied about things.
Lying is a common problem in relationships. More common than most people realize. We lie because we want to present our best self to another person, we lie when we want to hide the truth, and we lie when don’t want to hurt the people we love.
However, it’s important to realize that communication between women is often subtle and in-direct. It’s often hard for women to trust other women, and that’s why when you tell the truth and are completely honest with your girlfriend it’s very refreshing and powerful.
You don’t need to lie in a relationship, but you also don’t need to tell the person everything you’re thinking––this is to ensure that her attraction for you remains in place. Remember: your girlfriend will be more attracted to you if she’s unsure about your feelings.
She has always had a problem with me being friends with the girl i dated before her and i understand why. She thinks i may still be in love with her but that’s not the case. What made it worse was that fact that i never really did anything about it. Is about to be two months since she left me, she says she’s tired of my lies, that she wants me to be honest about my feelings for my ex, which i can’t say that when it’s not true. In the past month i have realized how much i love this woman and that i want her back and i have been trying everything, which after reading your article i feel like i have been making too many mistakes.
What’s happened here is that you’ve gone from the one being in control to the one who is now chasing. You’ve probably confessed your feelings to your girlfriend and told her how much you love her.
You’ve also probably begged her to come back. There is always going to be a partner with more masculine energy and and a partner with more feminine energy. If you’re both projecting feminine energy then you’re naturally going to repel each other and, one, or both people in the relationship will lose attraction.
I see lots of guys making the same mistake. They realize they’re losing their girlfriend and they suddenly become the chaser and the pursuer. You need to knock that off ASAP. You’ll only drive your girlfriend further away if you continue to chase her now.
She says she still loves me but that she doesn’t want to be with me. Every time i tell her that we should just go our separate ways, she gets upset. I don’t understand what is it that she wants from anymore. I do know i love her and i want to be with her but i don’t know how much more i can take of this. Recently we got into an argument, she told me right to my face that she loves me but that she doesn’t want to be with me, i was so upset that i told her to not to call, text or even look for me anymore. That got her even more upset, at this point i don’t know what else to do. I haven’t spoken to her in a few days, i been trying to give her space to think. If you have any advice on how i can get her back, please help.
Antoine
–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
Keep the Relationship Light
You’re projecting a lot of feminine energy here, same as your girlfriend. You need to start taking on a more masculine role, projecting more masculine energy. You appear to be emotional and volatile with your girlfriend, arguing and getting into fights. Love should be playful and fun remember! Don’t fight with her or argue with her. These fights can’t be won because they’re all based on emotion and feeling, not logic.
Here is the recommended course of action you should take to get your girlfriend back. Your relationship is full of emotion, fights, anxiety, unpredictability and distrust of each others feelings.
Now it’s important that you start acting in a more masculine way, because your girlfriend is not going to be able to do that.
You need to start focusing on projecting the following masculine traits to re-attract your girlfriend: calmness, stability, and confidence.
She has to be able to trust that she can be unpredictable and moody and anxious and you’re not going to get upset or leave her.
Be a Tomcat, Not a Pussycat
Remember: feminine energy is like the wind and masculine energy is like a mountain––completely unmoved and unaffected by the wind that is sometimes calm and sometimes violent.
Now it’s also important to let things calm down between the two of you. However, if your girlfriend reaches out to you and wants to talk to you, you can respond to her in a calm and playful way.
You need to lighten her mood and help her remove her tension and anxiety (this is what masculine energy is all about). You need to bring the fun and joy back into your relationship.
If she starts to get worried or upset about things, just laugh it off and gently tease her back. Don’t make a big drama out of everything and get into a fight with her, that’s the worst thing you can do.
Also, don’t mention getting back together and the problems in your relationship. When your girlfriend wants to talk about these things, she’ll let you know.
When you’re projecting attractive masculine energy, you shouldn’t be focused on trying to get a commitment out of your girlfriend. You should be focused on having a good time and keeping the mood playful and fun.
Your emotions must be more stable and secure than hers––this is crucial. This is going to give your girlfriend more confidence in you and she’ll find you much more attractive.
Also, your girlfriend has a good point about you staying friends with your ex. Ex’s should be ex’s for a reason. Most people in healthy relationships wouldn’t tolerate their girlfriends/boyfriends staying in touch with their ex on a regular basis.
Brutal Honesty Is Attractive
There is also the fact that your girlfriend doesn’t have complete trust in you. Don’t try to convince her with words that you’ve changed and that she should trust you.
You need to let her feel that you’ve changed. Once you start projecting more masculine energy, then she will intuitively trust you more.
So remember to let your girlfriend reach out to you when she’s ready. Don’t contact her first. And whenever she does reach out to you, what are you going to do?
You’re not going to chat on the phone and text each other for hours. You need to set a date to meet with her again. That is your number #1 goal: set a date and meet-up.
You don’t need to bring up the topics of commitment and getting back together. Your strategy here should be to focus on showing her a good time, not trying to her lock her down and get commitment from her.
Also, as a final point. Don’t feel like you have to hide things from your girlfriend. A lot of guys make the mistake of trying to protect a girl’s feelings.
This is really tempting. We don’t want to rock the boat. We want to have an easy life and we don’t want any hassle or unnecessary confrontations.
This doens’t mean you have to reveal your feelings. You want to hold back your emotions and be a challenge. But it does mean you can be refreshingly honest with your girlfriend. Tell her what you want or what you’re not happy with.
Don’t be scared to do that because women find honesty refreshing (because most women aren’t honest with each other).
If you don’t tell her the truth when it counts, she will feel like you are a coward over the long-run. If you tell her the truth, she will feel safe with you, even if you hurt her sometimes with the truth. You’re being honest. You’re being confident, and you’re being masculine.
If you can find the courage to express what you want, you will also make yourself a lot happier too. You will build courage and, even though people won’t always like your message, they will respect you a lot more for having the balls to express yourself.
Many men shy away from brutal, direct honesty because they don’t want to rock the boat. They think if they express themselves that their girlfriend will get turned off and leave them.
In reality, the opposite is true. If you express yourself and your desires clearly, she is more likely to stay with you and trust you.